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Football: North v. South

August 25, 2011

It is the end of August in the South, which means everyone in the entire region is waiting for the start of the thing we spend two thirds of the year counting down for… football season. To be more specific for many around me: COLLEGE football season. I am pretty sure I will have a whole series about this over the course of the fall, it is THAT much of a big deal. So, while everyone in my town patiently waits to see who will be named the starting quarterback for the first game, I thought I’d start the first of the football themed blogs. I LOVE the list below, and must be very clear that I did NOT write it. It was sent to me as an funny e-mail a few years ago and I wanted to share. Actually, I don’t know who wrote the original one. I did add a few comments, but it makes me laugh every time I read it, I hope you enjoy!

A summary of the regional differences regarding college football games.

Women’s Accessories

NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.

SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, water proof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary – that’s what dates are for.

Stadium Size:

NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:

NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.

SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Mothers:

NORTH: Don’t care if their daughters know what a football is.

SOUTH: Expect their daughters to buy a new outfit for Homecoming each year and marry a football player.

Attire:

NORTH: Male and female alike: wooly sweater or a sweatshirt and jeans

SOUTH: Male- pressed khakis, oxford shirt (bowtie preferred), sunglasses with croakies and cap with frat logo. Female-Little black, or school colors, sundress. Pearls or silver necklace with monogram, sunglasses with croakies.

Campus Decor:

NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.

SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:

NORTH: Also a physics major.

SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Getting Tickets:

NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.

SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, put name on waiting list for tickets, then still have to camp out.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:

NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they’re going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.

SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:

NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.

SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Week of Big Game:

NORTH: Don’t even know who they are playing on Saturday.

SOUTH: Make sure clothes are color coordinated, make signs to support the home team, get shakers ready, pray for a victory, and bow down to football players when students see them.

Game Day:

NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.

SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting “Game Day Live” on their campus to get on camera, cheer tirelessly, and wave banners.

Tailgating:

NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.

SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by “Hootie and the Blowfish,” who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon. Televisions set up with satellite dishes so that we don’t miss any football games shown before and after ours.

Getting to the Stadium:

NORTH: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in.

SOUTH: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day it becomes the state’s third largest city.

Concessions:

NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.

SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team’s mascot on it, filled less than half way with Coke, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:

NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.

SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:

NORTH: Nothing changes.

SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary {Male Fan}:

NORTH: “Nice play.”

SOUTH: “Dammit, you slow sumbitch -tackle him and break his legs.”

Commentary {Female Fan}:

NORTH: “My, this certainly is a violent sport.”

SOUTH: “Dammit, you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs.”

Announcers:

NORTH: Neutral and paid.

SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:

NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.

SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s game.

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