Birthday Thoughts: Life Unexpected

Today is my 36th birthday. Crazy. How the hell am I 36 already? I don’t feel 36. Okay… so there are a few more wrinkles, a few more gray hairs and my lower back acts up… but MENTALLY I do not feel 36. For the most part, I don’t think I actually look 36. But what the hell do I know?

I realize that I’ve abandoned the blog… two years without a post is more than a quick hiatus. What can I say, my mid-30s haven’t been what I expected. Actually, if you had asked me when I was 16 what I thought life would be like in 20 years, I’m pretty sure it would be very different than what it is. There has just been a lot of stuff and life is, well, life unexpected.

My friends and I have been talking lately about how much harder adulthood is than we thought it would be. When I was a kid, I always said I didn’t want to grow up because I didn’t want to have to deal with paying my taxes every year. Ha. I grew up and hired a CPA to process them and get me my refund every year- turns out to be one of the easiest things in adulthood. My twenties were college, grad school, my first job in my career. It was hard work, but it was all a part of the plan, part of the path in figuring it all out. The taxing things were the drama around relationships. Being upset with someone or having someone upset with me, this person said this/did that, pissed me off, etc, etc, etc. It was fun with friends, living it up, and figuring it out. But it was expected at that time in life.

My thirties started out great. Settled in a new job. Moved. Solid friendships, my family dependable, reconnected with people I had lost touch with. The early thirties were smooth sailing. But then the last several years, it has just been like being in the worst hurricane season ever. You get through one thing, start the processing of cleaning up, rebuilding…. and the next one comes through just as you’ve gotten back up from the last one. And these haven’t been little things, they have been big…. job insanity, death, illness, money, major life changes, disappointment, broken hearts, broken trust. So I wake up some days, thinking, is this normal? Is adulthood really supposed to be this hard? I keep thinking it is just a phase in life and that the next year will be better…. but I’ve been saying that for a while now. When will this season of heavy stuff move on? Or, is this really it… is adulthood always like this?

So, I have a lot of questions. And I’ve decided to start talking it out, exploring and putting it out there. I’m 36 and I am not really 100% sure of what I am doing with my life. I’m also not sure what I am doing with this blog. But this is my commitment to myself on my 36th birthday…. trying to figure out answers, look for happiness in all things, being honest with myself- even when it is hard and comfortable and to share it. I’m committed to sharing a day in the life on Instagram, follow along with #thisis36 to see what it is like. I’m also going to share here. We’ll see what it turns into.

But for now:

• Adulthood is different than I ever could have imagined
• I adore my family
• I love my good friends
• My nieces and nephews bring me more joy than I thought was possible
• Travel is essential for my happiness
• A good book can make any bad day a little better
• Kids probably aren’t in my future
• I question if true loves exists
• I believe in God
• I’m thankful for paycheck
• I’m terrified I will turn into my mother
• I cry more in my 30s than I did in my 20s
• I need to lose weight
• Hammock days are the best days
• A long drive with the windows rolled down and singing along to good music can soothe my soul
• I’m stronger than I think I am
• There is a soundtrack to everyday, but sometimes I wish I had some foreshadowing music to give me a heads up what is going to happen.

That is what I know. This is 36.